welcome to kimberland...

That's right, folks!  For the first time since before Thanksgiving, I am finally back in matching shoes.  Mr. Toe is still not 100% happy, but the foot is happy to be back in a proper shoe!  It's been weird to learn how to walk normally after 3 months of lopsidedness, but I've pretty much gotten the hang of it again.  I even took a walk for lunch today!  Woo!

Let's all enjoy my Chucks, shall we?  :)



• Swirly, misty, Colin-Firth-in-a-wet-white-shirt-in-Pride-and-Prejudice foggy mornings
• The way freshly baked brownies fill every room in my apartment with the most delightful aroma
• Mail.  Real mail, made of paper, and not of the bill persuasion
• Making my daddy belly laugh so hard he starts coughing
• Laughing so hard at my daddy's stupid jokes I start to sneeze
• Hearing the pride in my mom's voice whenever I mention an accomplishment
• Sandpaper kisses from my foul-tempered, pink-nosed, odd-eyed, beautiful StuKitty
• Hana's sweet little trilling meow
• Finding that extra $5 bill in an old coat
• Making guys nervous with just a hint of a smile and a slightly raised eyebrow
• The first few sips of a lovely Zinfandel
• Learning how to walk in matching shoes after months of hobbling around with a broken toe & metatarsal
• Being called beautiful even if I'm in my jammies, beanie and braids
• Walking by the river, deep within my own thoughts, only to be distracted by the elderly couple that still holds hands and kisses on their favorite bench
• Talking to friends on the phone (or talking on the phone period!)
• Having a good job; and liking it
• Being almost 35 and consistently getting mistaken for being 22

Okay, so I'm a little late checking in for the new year.  The good news is that it's because (so far) 2011 has not sucked!  I'm slowly getting into the role & duties of my new job, PGEW's doing well, and I have several new projects up my sleeve, one of which I can't wait to share with many of my PGEW readers.

But aside from all that, I have great plans for 2011.  While most people do the whole resolution thing, I prefer goals & plans.  They're pretty much the same, but without the negative connotations & pressure that the word "resolution" brings along with it.  Goals seem to offer you something to hope for, to strive for; they're positive and make you want to achieve something good.  Resolutions, to me, just seem so cut & dry.  Final.  Like if you don't follow through that's it.  You officially suck.

So what do I have planned for this year?  Exactly what the title of this posting suggests: to move onward, upward and outward in my life. 

Onward:
I've said it once and I'll say it again: 2010 SUCKED.  Not all of it did, but for the most part it was very unkind to me and my loved ones and I'm glad it's gone.  But the things I went through, no matter how difficult, shaped my mindset for this year and the years to come.  Rather than dwell on how awful everything was, which I'll admit I'm prone to doing, I'm moving on.  Yes, things sucked, but nothing killed me.  I'm still here.  I'm scarred but quite a bit stronger.  I can take the lessons I learned in 2010 and apply them to make 2011 much better.  I'm shedding the bad from last year like an old skin and moving forward in my new skin.  Not that there won't be challenges, but they'll be this year's, not last year's. 

Upward:
I have a new job and from what I'm learning about it, it's one with some serious potential for advancement.  Granted, I don't have to treat this as my one & only career, but I love knowing that I'm in a challenging position that will take me further in life.  The past couple jobs I've had have been interesting, but they've also seemed a bit.... dead-end.  I wasn't going anywhere with them.  They were just jobs in which I stagnated.  Now I might have the opportunity to move up, and that's pretty awesome. 

I also have the chance to move upward with Poor Girl Eats Well.  I've worked so hard on that blog for the past two years and it's finally looking like it might pay off.  Nothing's set in stone yet, but there are some fabulous opportunities for moving up in my food blogging ventures.  We'll see what happens!

Outward:
No, I don't plan for my secretary spread to keep spreading (in fact, I've already lost a few inches off my hips, now that I'm motivated to move again.  I love being on the I Have A Job Now & Don't Need to Stress As Much plan...).  What I mean by "outward" is that I plan to quit isolating.  Granted, this is easier said than done, considering the fact that I'm a writer and trying to go places with that.  That sort of thing requires a fair amount of alone time to be with one's thoughts and concentrate. 

But I've become quite a loner over the past couple of years, and I hate that.  A combination of stress, anxiety, and just not having the ability to do even the simplest things because I had no money, made me hole up in my house and turn down a lot of invitations. When you can't afford a simple cup of coffee, there's just no point in saying "yes" when someone invites you someplace.  And though there are plenty of free things to do, when you're stressed/depressed/anxious because homelessness is on the very near horizon, you're just not good company.  Who wants to hang around with a moping worrywart? 

However, I'm a social person by nature, so this isolation has really been bugging me.  Don't get me wrong: I LOVE being alone.  But I hate being lonely (big difference), and isolation begets loneliness.  Though many of my friends are strewn across the country or married w/children, I miss going out and meeting new people.  So this year, I'm moving outward and going places.  I may not be able to do the 5-6 concerts a month thing like I used to, especially now that I have so many PGEW obligations.  But I can go to a lunch or dinner every now & then.  Maybe catch a play.  Or just have a cup of coffee outside of my own home so I can people-watch in bliss.  I may love my Me Time, but this Me needs to hang out with some Them this year.


So that's about it, really.  Just three simple goals that may seem pretty nebulous to some, but they work for me.  It's stuff I can work on throughout the year so there's none of that evil pressure most goals/resolutions/plans end up carrying with them.  2011's been pretty great so far, and I look forward to what else it will bring.  But most importantly, I look forward to what I will bring to it.

• The first few days of my new job were beyond quiet, but I got my "trial by fire" day yesterday!  It was a super busy, weird day that I had to get through blindly, but I survived!!!  Totally diggin' the fact that the head MD thinks I "rock", too. :D
• Speaking of work, I still can't get over the fact that I have a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!  *does a Snoopy happy dance*
• Overheard on light rail this morning: "Kid, I'm not gay, but if I was... if I WAS!  You wouldn't be able to run away.  Mm, mm, mm."  (And a Happy New Year to you, too?)
• Seriously in love with my two "big" Christmas presents from me mum: a gorgeous antique amethyst cross and this super-swank zebra-print overnighter w/red accents.  All my presents were pretty awesome, but these two were beyond amazing!  As is my mama.  :)
• Can't believe this year - and this decade - is almost over.  Most of it was absolute shit, but there were some pretty awesome moments in it, too.  I'll look back at both fondly, knowing the awesome bits were awesome and the crappy bits made me stronger. 
• So it looks like I may be spending NYE alone, which is completely unfun!  New Year's Eve is one of my 3 favorite holidays (Halloween & my birthday being the other two), and I need to get out and flip the bird to 2010!!!  But if I can't, I have an even better, more economical plan for my New Year's Eve: a complete top-to-bottom cleaning/purging of my apartment.  I did that several years ago and woke up the next day feeling completely renewed & refreshed, which is something I really need to feel.  Yeah... I think that might not be a bad plan if I can't go out & play.  Only this year, I'm adding champagne.  ;)
• Amazing how something like having a job can make such a difference in one's life.  I know I keep going back to this, but I just can't help it.  My negative stress level is decreasing exponentially, so much so that this pair of jeans is now officially falling off my hips and I'll be able to jump into the next size down very soon.  Am I the only person on Earth who loses weight when she's not stressed? 
• I have a funny feeling that 2011 might rock.  I'll be kicking it off with Interpol and enjoying more IFBC in the summer.  Not much else planned so far except for the book writing, but that's sure to keep me busy, too!  Definitely looking forward to what this new year brings... they say that odd numbered years are generally more lucky than the evens, so let's see what happens!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Because of the many health issues I had this year, I missed some work during the last few weeks of my last temp job.  And as a temp, when you don't work you don't get paid.  And when you don't get paid, you stress out and continue to get sick.  It's a vicious cycle that I'm sure many folks are dealing with right now, and it's not pretty at all.  I was so desperate for money that I started selling everything else I didn't sell the first time I found myself without a job (and I'm continuing to sell stuff until I'm all caught up on my rent &  utilities).  Things I swore I would never sell because they were gifts or hard-earned tokens of happiness that I'd get for myself when I could afford a more normal life.  I just didn't know another way to get quick money right now.... at least not without compromising my morals and everything I stand for (my Lord, I hate ending sentences w/dangling prepositions...).

Anyway, I have this friend who is sort of like the little devil that sits on one shoulder in older (better than today's) cartoons.  She has made quite a business for herself as a "personal escort" and rakes in quite a ton of cold, hard cash.  She started this last year after getting fired from our old company and is apparently living quite a wonderful life filled with money and tons of material things.  She keeps trying to convince me that this is the way to my financial freedom.  "Kimberly, it will change your life!" she tells me.  "You'll never be broke again.  You'll be able to pay your bills AND go shopping!"  But I always turn her down.  Selling sex for money just isn't in my daily M.O., you know?

Still, I get texts from her regularly, checking in to see if I've changed my mind about running my own "business".  And I must admit, after reading her website and what she charges, the offer is tempting.  Things like $350/hr or $900/2 hrs of "GFE" fun (which I learned through some online searching means "girlfriend experience") stand out to someone like me, who is in danger of being evicted if backed up rent isn't caught up by January.  She goes on lavish, luxurious, international trips; she offers girl-on-girl action for $2K or more for one evening.  She is ROLLING in it because of what she's willing to do.

But at what cost???  Are my morals so easily bought and sold by the lure of ridiculous amounts of easy cash that I won't be able to account for legally when tax-time comes?

NO!!!!!

I'm definitely hurting for money and still very close to becoming homeless, even with the new job (it takes forever to get paid, let alone caught up!), but I just can't lower myself to the levels that have been offered to me.  Sure, I'm trying to sell my mind in different ways by offering blogging gigs, recipe development, etc. in order to make ends meet right now, but that's not my entire person, my womanhood, my integrity.  Some may argue that those things are one in the same, but I do not.  Am I wrong?  Where exactly is the line drawn between providing a service and providing a "service"?  Maybe there isn't a line, and if there is it is most definitely blurred.

I value myself and my body.  I know I need money but I think I have many other things to offer the world than cheap and easy sex.  Sex is everywhere, and a lot of times you can get it for free.  Personally, I've never understood the need to charge for something so readily available and accessible.  My mind, on the other hand, that's another story.  That's something unique and exclusive, the kind of thing whose power you can't find just anywhere.  With my mind and knowledge I help people; with sex, my friend does not.  Sure, she may rake in a ton of cash that way, but for what?  For something anyone can do for free, and without the awful addition of knowing you sold that basest of needs for money.  "I cried the entire time my first night," she told me, "because I just couldn't stand myself."

I won't go into all the psychological and social ramifications that something like this is sure to cause, because they're pretty self-explanatory.  Suffice it to say that someone like me, who suffers from some pretty low self-esteem issues to begin with, would feel even lower than usual if that were my source of income.  I'd also become Captain Paranoia, wondering where exactly one would put all that cash, not to mention when exactly the Feds would come asking for their cut ("Don't you ever worry about getting audited?" I've asked my friend before. "No. I spend it too fast to put it away."  Ack).  If someone like my friend couldn't even stand herself after the first night, I can't begin to imagine what I'd feel like.  Then there are all the other issues, like personal safety, physical safety....... nononono.  I couldn't never do it.  No matter how incredibly desperate I may be.

So now, in my second week at my new job, I think to myself: thank GAWD I have my priorities straight.  Yes, these past couple of months - nay, this whole year has been terribly difficult on me and on a lot of others.  I have a good, steady job with kick-ass benefits now, but I am still struggling and will have to do so for a good two or three months.  You just don't bounce back from this sort of thing just because you get an offer letter in the mail.  I've had to go without more than I'm already used to doing: not just selling my possessions but having to isolate myself away from anything fun with my friends because everything, even a cup of coffee, costs money.  I've been sick with stress and frustration, upset at not being able to move forward in my life; in short, things have really sucked! 

But despite all this, I knew that I was made of something stronger, something that would not take me down a road that I would never want to travel, something that kept me from having to sell myself just to make ends meet.  I'll sell my stuff and I'll sell my knowledge; the stuff I can always replace, and the knowledge just keeps coming with each day I spend on this Earth.  But my pride?  My morals?  My inegrity?  How could I possibly sell those, no matter how shitty finances are?  How, when there are assistance programs for people in dire straits?  How, when offers of shelter have been made to me, in case of eviction (though that's still something I hope to avoid, as that stays on your record 7 whole years...)?  How, when I there are menial jobs, telecommuting gigs, and eBay to get you through those scariest of times? 

I know I don't have human children, another "escort" acquaintance's excuse for "doing whatever it takes".  But my own life and the lives of my feline children are just as valuable in my eyes, and I think that "whatever it takes" can be defined in less..... controversial terms.  I'm not going to judge my friend or those who feel they need to sell sex to make ends meet; everyone's circumstances are different, and they're entitled to make their own choices.  I just know that for me, it's not worth it.  There are better opportunities out there, and though they may take a lot of time & effort to find, it's worth the wait.  And the peace of mind.